It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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