my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
