I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
