He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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