im drinking this country out of the recession.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is my gift to your gina
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize