Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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