I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
