The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
