Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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