I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize