I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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