Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
