Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Let's get the cat blown out
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
