No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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