Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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