2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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