we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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