I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
