wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
