Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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