I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
