I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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