you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
