I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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