It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
