I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
