90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
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