on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
