I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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