God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
