My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
