I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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