Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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