you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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