i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
