I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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