How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
