Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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