i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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