Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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