I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
