I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
