I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
