I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
