I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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