His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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