I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
