bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
