I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
