Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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