I want you more than these girls want KFC
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
