so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize