Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You are a genius and a whore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
