p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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