Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
