You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
