At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
