Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
