The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
