I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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