Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
