I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
