You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
