and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
