Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
