I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
