I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Randomize