so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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