I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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