I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
