I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
