hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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