At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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