See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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