You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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